My Birth Stories; 2 c/sections and a VBAC.
It all begins with an idea.
Each of my births changed me- not just into a mother, but into a woman who began to question, listen deeply and find her voice.
I’ve walked the path of 2 surgical births , filled with fear and compliance….. then I found my way back to my body ,my instincts and my power through a VBAC that awakened something within me.
These are my stories, tender and raw.
If you’re navigating birth for the first time-or wondering if it’s possible to have a different experience from a previous birth- I hope these words land gently.
Birth #1 Breech, Fear, Trust.
It all begins with an idea.
With my first pregnancy, I was healthy and well, everything was smooth.
I didn’t think too deeply about birth. We were under the care of an Obstetrician and, like so many, we trusted the system completely. We were both naive - we didn’t know there was any other way.
We attended the hospital birth class, but honestly didn’t get much out of it. I was just going with the flow, doing what I thought was normal. I didn’t realise how much I didn’t know.
At 39 weeks we found out our baby was breech. I remember feeling surprised, but also hopeful- I said I wanted to try to deliver. But was quickly met with warnings and risks. The way it was presented made me feel there wasn’t really a choice.
So I listened, I trusted and I booked in for a caesarean.
What followed was not the joyous, love filled moment I had imagined.
The birth felt cold and clinical. I was separated from my baby for hours. The room was sterile, the atmosphere detached. I felt pain both physical and emotional - and above all, I felt lonely.
I didn’t have words for it at the time, but I now know it was the beginning of a deeper questioning - knowing that birth could be something more.
This birth changed me-physically and emotionally. I carried the weight of it into my second pregnancy, still unsure, still naive, still trusting the system.
Still hoping things might be different.
Birth #2: The One I didn’t know I could say “no”to.
It all begins with an idea.
After my first birth, I told myself I was fine. But underneath I was unsettled.
I stepped into my second pregnancy again giving my power away. hadn’t yet found the language to ask for something else, still in the mindset “Dr knows best”.
So I went along with everything, the check-ups, the appointments, the monitoring.
I went to hospital thinking I was in labor, I didn’t know anything about the stages of labor back then- I just thought I was doing what was right. What I had been told was safest.
They examined me.
I was 1cm dilated. I wasn’t in labor.
And then………nothing.
I was left in a room with just my husband for hours. No one explained what was happening (which was , nothing) Just silence.
Instead of suggesting I go home and come back when labor started, eventually a team of midwives and my Dr came in and said, “It’s getting late. Your baby is big. Best we just go ahead with a caesarean.”
So, once again, I agreed. I was taken down the hall, into a cold, bright operating room, once again a passenger in my own birth.
Again there was separation, fear, loneliness, no transformation. Shock at what had just happened, again.
I went home to try to settle in to life with 2 little ones. The silence I felt in that hospital room stayed with me through the silence in the nights when I was feeding and crying and pretending everything was ok.
I didn’t know how to ask for help. I thought I should be coping. I thought this was just how it is.
But somewhere in me something had changed, there was a deeper knowing that things didn’t have to be this way. That birth and Motherhood, could feel different.
I didn’t see it at the time, but the seed had been planted.
Birth #3: The One Where I Found My Voice.
It all begins with an idea.
When I became pregnant for the third time, I was hopeful of something different.
But what I got was….”We will book you in for a Caesarean at 39 weeks”
No explanation, no discussion. No one asked me what I wanted or the options I had.
I was confused and devastated.
I cried for 2 days.
Then………something in me changed. I didn’t know what it was, but now know it was my power and determination for things to be different. Buried under obedience, fear and silence i was ready to rise.
I began to question everything. I started researching. I asked why. I stopped saying yes when I meant no.
I found others who believed in birth, in women in me.
And slowly, I started believing in myself too.
This pregnancy felt different- not just because it was my third, but because I was finally choosing to show up in a new way. I was not going to hand over my authority again , i was going to claim it.
I chose to birth on my own terms. I chose to understand birth , to listen to my body, to let go of the fear.
And when the day came I was calm, I was confident I had trust.
I put my 2 other children to bed as well as my husband and I moved through the night and through labor following my body and my baby until I knew it was time to go.
I birthed my baby vaginally, in my way, and I emerged not just as a Mother of 3; but as a woman who knew her strength.
It was the most beautiful and powerful moment of my life that changed me in ways that will stay with me forever.
This birth changed everything-it was the beginning of a new path
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Post Partum Depression: The Part I Wasn’t Prepared For.
Post Natal Depression: What No-One Told Me.
What I didn’t know after my first 2 births was that the real transformation doesn’t end when the baby is born- it’s in the days, weeks and months that follow.
After my first caesarean, I felt a darkness, a lingering fog of sadness, disconnection, guilt. I didn’t know this was the beginning of my Post Natal Depression. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong, everyone else seemed to be coping, smiling, bonding.
I didn’t feel like myself and I didn’t know how to ask for help.
My second birth, also a caesarean, brought more of the same.
I remember being in a room full of people and feeling completely alone. I didn’t have the emotional support I craved or the practical help I needed. I carried on silently telling myself, “ This is just Motherhood”.
I cried everyday, whilst continuing to do my best to care for my babies. I sank into a darkness and despair.
I remember thinking “Maybe they’d be better off without me.” Those thoughts terrified me-but they were real.
I didn’t know how to cope, so I poured a glass of wine in the evenings, hoping it would quiet the chaos. It never did. If anything , it made the darkness heavier, the next day.
It wasn’t until my third birth, my VBAC, that I experienced what post partum could be- what it should be. This time I had people around me who nourished me. Fed me, checked in on me. I learned how to ask for what I needed.
The birth itself was powerful, the after just as healing. There were still moments of exhaustion as I cared for 3 babies, but I didn’t feel alone, I felt held. And that changed everything. I rested, I recovered and I bonded.
So I left my profession as a nurse to raise my 3 daughters and now I work with women through their pregnancies, birth and post partum , sharing my wisdom and my experiences in the hope that they may have the best birth experience and transition to Motherhood whatever that looks like for them.
Every woman deserves to feel seen, heard, nourished and supported.
I’ve been there, the fog, the tears, the quiet ache of doing it all without enough support. It is why I became a Doula. I want women to know what’s possible when you are truly supported.